About
Myself
I am 34 years old, born on April 2nd, 1965, a great year in my opinion, and a very nice month of the year, in New York State in the USA. I am white, 5' 5", about 155 pounds, muscular build on the husky side, and people say I am very handsome, though looking in the mirror I don't see myself that way, and I am a bear, though I hate lots of body hair myself. My orientation is bi, if you have to classify it, but I prefer women as a mate, for men I mainly like to have sexual encounters but I am not into love affairs with men. I don't normally have a partner, and at this time I do not, but I have had both male and female partners, and enjoy both thoroughly. I also have fantasies of bondage and S&M stuff, but only fantasies, in real life it would not be something I really would want to do or like. I am not into slave master relationships, in fact that would be a huge turn off to me, but I have no problem with those that do, it's just not my thing, I like equals as partners and not domination.
My extreme interests are a lot, and most started before puberty, when I was a young boy. Castration is the one I am most fixated on, as well as penectomy. But other interests would be amputations of all types, self mutilation, piercing, bleeding myself, and even cannibal interests. There are others, but those are the ones I am more into. Full nullo turns me on a lot, both to see it in others and to see myself as that, and seeing someone's stump from an amputation, like a leg, arm, hand, finger, also turns me on a lot.
The farthest back I remember all this starting was when I was as young as 8, possibly 9. I don't know how it started, just that it did. I have a vivid memory of looking at my balls and thinking of them being cut off and how I would look then, like a girl. I am not a transsexual, nor do I crossdress, and I don't fantasize about being a girl, but at that age I wondered what it would be like to have no balls or penis, and when I saw pictures of nude girls (young ones) or saw a nude girl (nudism lifestyle) I would use that vision as how I would look if I cut my balls and penis off, and I liked that. I would even tuck my balls into my abdomen cavity, and then pull my penis either all the way up or tucked in my legs, to see how I would be cut like that, and would rub that area, fantasizing that I was already smooth there, with no genitals. I would also look at other boys when nude, and wonder how they would be like that as well, but mostly it was a fixation on myself being cut, not so much on others.
In fact, until my 20s, I really did not give a lot of thought or fantasy to much other than myself being cut, even though I did think some and fantasize some of cutting others or just seeing others cut or just thinking that others were cut (like if I read a story of someone having his balls cut off). I would spend many a night alone, tying up my balls, even hanging by them, or my penis, or putting sharp razor or knife to them, sometimes even cutting a little, wondering if I should do it and cut it off NOW, and getting all excited over it all. A few times I did cut my sac open, but never enough to get a ball out, just enough to stick my finger in and feel around, boy that last few layers of tissue are tough to cut. I wondered why I could not get the balls to pop out, I had the hole big enough, till much later on, using the net, I read about the connecting tissue inside that holds it in place, and later seeing a video of a real castration and then seeing that for myself, boy that video turned me on, and I learned a LOT from it too. I had read up on the human anatomy and procedures, but those were just drawings and text, to see it happen, on video, up close, every little detail, is much different.
I am pretty sure one day I will be a full nullo, but how that will come about, and when, is still up in the air. At one time I was sure that I would castrate myself first, then live as a eunuch for at least a year, then if I still wanted to I would cut off my penis as well, using a doctor since that is not something you should do at home. Then when I found the net, and read other's interests, I started getting more and more fixated on penis removal, before having my balls removed. This had not occurred to me in all the years I was fantasizing and fixated on the topic, I never thought of having my balls but no penis. But once that was suggested to me I got into right away, and soon my thoughts and fantasies changed because of that. Now I am doing things, which I will explain elsewhere, that may really make it so my penis is gone while I still have my balls, and then remove my balls later on once I had my fun as a cockless man with balls. At first I thought I was nuts for thinking of really doing it, that it would be a torture that would drive me into insanity, but I have since learned that for me that may not be the case. Again, more on that in another section, my section on penectomies.
I thought I was alone in this, a freak, for most of my life. I surely had to be nuts to want to cut my balls off, knowing that once I did that the horniness I had about being that way would no longer exist, and so the reason would no longer exist after it was done. It was a crazy cycle, by doing it you loose the reason that made you want it, by not doing it you are driven by the urges to do it. I eventually got past feeling I was a freak about it, or nuts, but I did keep it a secret, knowing no one else would ever understand, and feeling still that I must be the only one like that, since I never heard of anyone having such desires and since the desires seemed so strange and contradictory. I had other problems, Manic Depression (also called Bipolar Disorder), Attention Deficit Disorder, Hyperactivity, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (from an abusive and neglected childhood), Excessive Compulsive Disorder, as well as a few other labels the shrinks gave me, of course some were not called that back when I was a kid, I am using terms we now know as those items. All that and you would think I was a real nutso, but actually I was not, I was having a hard time in life, with lots of suicidal and self mutilation thoughts and actions, but if you had me as a friend you were most likely not aware of the deeper problems I was having, outwardly I was normal, mostly, a bit wild, but normal for a teen or kid, and inside I handled the problems actually pretty well under the circumstances. You see, I never knew any life but that, it was not like I had a decent and mentally normal life and then was thrust into it, this was all I knew, so I dealt with it, and found ways to live a decent life in spite of it all.
In time I found my way out of it all. To explain that would take way too long here, and it would count on the item you are talking of as well. The last of my issues were solved when I found the net. I had used the net before, as a teen in a special advanced technical school, and as an adult in the military, but it was not the World Wide WEB, I had no idea what was out there, assumed it all to be just text on billboards, like I remembered it being, and hard to find things unless you knew exactly where it was by it's numerical IP address. Well I read and heard all about the WWW, and so went to a library one day to check it out. Boy was I surprised, and I had NO idea there was so much graphics and even pictures out there, just waiting to be downloaded and viewed. The search engines really impressed me, and I got hooked on Web Crawler, this was before Yahoo or Infoseek got popular or even known. Well I typed in the keyword castration and browsed through the results, yes, that was my FIRST search on the net ever, castration.
Of course there was a lot of old links, and links to sites that had nothing to do with castration, were way out of date, or were about castration topics I was not interested in, like sexual offender castrations. I wanted to SEE castration pics, men who were castrated, the procedures, stories about it, and so on and so on. Still I had NO idea that others were into this, my search was just another version of me keeping an eye on newspaper stories of castrations or researching it in the library. Boy was I surprised, again. The first web page I found of someone ELSE into this was Geldings, http://www.geocities.com//WestHollywood/5686/ , and I cannot tell you what that did to me. I printed out the page, with the pictures, and when I got home it became THE fantasy material for me for some time. But more than that, I found out I was not alone, that there were others out there like me, with the same interests, and even talking openly about it. That was a big relief. I searched more another day, and I found Shannon's site at BME, http://www.bme.freeq.com/ , and found much more to keep me busy, printed it all out and read it all at home, library computers restrict you on how long you can use them each time, so I would print pages and read them later at home. Back then Shannon's site was not as it is today, but it also was more open, and I had a ball reading it and seeing the pictures. But I also discovered so many others into the same things, I was no longer alone.
I decided that I MUST get my own home computer, after finding so much on the net, and also because I wanted to talk to these people via e-mail more easily. After I had my own computer, with more searches since I had more time to do them finally, I could not find much more, a few sites scattered here and there, but not much more, and those sites were not that helpful. I tried to find a castration newsgroup on Usenet, but failed, no such group existed. Then, out of desperation, I read the entire newsgroup listing, even back then that was a LOT of reading. In that I found a weirdly named group called alt.eunuchs and another one called alt.eunuchs.questions. Well, I knew what a eunuch was, but had always thought that was ancient stuff, dealing with harems. I never gave thought that if I did this to myself that I would be a modern day eunuch. I also did not realize there were so many modern day eunuchs. Back then both those groups were rather busy, they seemed to have died down a lot in the last few years, and alt.eunuchs is just about a dead group now, so I guess I am lucky I got into them before the spark of enthusiasm for them died. I do hope things pick up there again though. Back then also people used to post picture after picture to the group, of castrations and real eunuchs, a few years later though there became a big debate over binaries in a non-binary newsgroup and it was decided to not allow binaries in that group anymore. Alternate groups were suggested, like alt.binaries.pictures.misc or the binary bodyart newsgroups, but postings like we used to have never picked up again, now a posting of a binary is very rare there, instead of daily floods like we used to get.
Anyway, somewhere in all that I found the Eunuch Archive, it was like Blackbeard finding a sunken ship full of treasure, and I soon made that one of my most visited sites. It bounced around a lot on servers in the beginning, I guess because of the content. I even remember when he was so desperate to find a server to take his site that he made an all out call for anyone with web space that could hold his site. Well Shannon came to help him, and now he has a home that has stayed the same ever since, and also no more worries of taking up too much HD space either. The site really exploded when it got to Shannon's site. I found eunuch IRC channels from the original Eunuch Archive. Bboy had started one, with the help of rabs (who gave him the bot, Dewy, to keep it safe and open all the time), and Bboy was trying to get it going by asking people to go to his newly made eunuch IRC channel, advertising it very boldly on his site and in his posts to alt.eunuchs or alt.eunuchs.questions. Well I was not really into chat, but for THAT I figured I MUST get into chat, to talk with others into the same thing, some even eunuchs, in real life, in real time, full two way. The channel was ##!eunuchs, on Efnet, and it still is there to this day, though not as used as it once was, but it still is used. I made many a friend there, and stayed up many a night chatting there too. We had everything from hard core eunuchs to curious seekers and wanabes. We even had a few real life castrations in the channel, I know they were real, their pics are now on BME Extreme, too bad we also did not have full live video. :) We also would play out fantasies and tell stories in the group, as you would expect, and share information and resources, so that those on one side could learn from those on the other side, those that were living eunuchs and had done the cut.
So there you have me, in a nutshell. Will I get cut? I am sure the answer is yes. But the real question is when and how. Like most into this same fixation, I bounce back and forth a lot, and hold back from doing it. Once you do it you cannot turn back, you can't put back what was cut off. It is such a mystery that even if it is a pot of riches for me, the fulfillment of my life's dreams, I hold back from doing it because it is a huge unknown. As Shakespeare would put it, the Undiscovered Country, from who's born no traveler returns, puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have, then fly to others we know not of.
Thanks for listening.
This page last updated on November 1, 1999.
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