 |
||||
 |
||||
|
|
||||
|
|
||||
| My head started to reel from the three hours of chanting I had been doing in preparation. It took me that long to peel off the layers of doubt, hesitation and that endless chatter in my head I call "motormind". Thoughts that I had gone quite insane kept cropping up, but I didn’t try to suppress them; I let them have their say, then released them. My head and heart were calm and my intent clear: today I would bear the Spears of Shiva. My kavadi dancing would be a prayer to Lord Shiva to destroy my fears, my false sense of security, and even my happiness.
Soon the frame was fitted on me and it was time to dance, to celebrate, to die. I continued to chant "Om Nama Sivaya" as Fakir and Stacy lovingly pierced my flesh. Fear and adrenaline coursed through me as my body opened to receive the spears. The force generated by releasing lifetimes of fear was too great; I passed out. My physical body shut down as my spiritual body made a great leap into nothingness/everythingness. When I opened my eyes, the world shimmered and vibrated with a soft golden light. My new body rose slowly and began to test the limits of sensation. I walked carefully at first, then started to sway with the beat of the tribal drums. My siblings, Stacy and Wolfie, watched over me, keeping alert for signs of physical and/or psychic danger. I knew I was in a safe, sacred area, so I danced harder and faster - driving the spears in deeper. The weight of the frame bit into my shoulders; the points of the spears clawed at me; the grass sliced my feet; the breeze tore at my skin - I was one large, exposed nerve. I was so completely open and vulnerable and yet, at the same time I felt trapped, caged. I panicked and wanted to shout,"Let me out of this damned thing! Let me out of this damned body!" but my mouth only permitted screams. I became feral, the Divine Canine, the Dog of God - strong, alive, tearing, growling. I wanted to rip out the throats of my captors. I yearned to pull off my own flesh. Then I saw Her. The Death Goddess before me: skull burning, hair matted, eyes aflame, mouth foul and full of flies. But I was not scared. Fear is a reaction, and I could no longer react or even act because I just AM. And I say "I" for the sake of clarity, but "I" did not exist at that moment. Arin RedDog was not there - that person had been stripped away, leaving behind the essence of Self which is all selves. I felt my consciousness at the tips of the spears, in Wolfie’s eyes, in a sibling’s sarong, on the top of the mountains - everywhere. Separation is an illusion and for a brief instant, I was not fooled. The Death Goddess just watched me watching her. I felt Her fetid breath on me. She did not dance with me; she danced through me. Then She slowly dissolved as other gloriously indescribable dimensions overlapped in my field of vision. I sensed Stacy and Wolfie by me and they grasped the Kavadi frame and shook it like a death rattle. The sensation was amazing, liberating - I SHOT OUT OF MY BODY AND RACED INTO PURE LIGHT! I screamed the scream of the ancestors in my blood - all their joy, fear, hope and pain were mine, and through my pain, I screamed and released us all. Arin RedDog |
||||
 |
||||
|
|
||||